


gotta drop my rusty chains, this is where i stand.

by meananimagus



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Idols, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 12:45:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18571771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meananimagus/pseuds/meananimagus





	gotta drop my rusty chains, this is where i stand.

it couldn't be as rough as they both expected it would be, until it was.

the hidden touches that despite they are just linked pinky fingers under tables during meals or cute butterfly kisses against cheeks, the sneaking glances when they're at both ends of everytime they gather in the living room or dance practice room for a live, and the whispered words of adoration behind confined spaces inside the dorm, when they are certain no one was around, the tormenting desire to hug and touch lips, as they get longer, the harder it becomes to keep it within themselves. it all becomes too much.

felix has always known what the rules are, not just inside the walls of JYP building or the thin sheet of paper they call as contract but the general rule of the world, the normal world, that is. for normal people.

the case is, felix was never normal. he's never one of the many, never belonged to the normativity the world's system dictates him to be.

the rule he despises the most, that a man is for a woman, a woman is for a man. whilst it is also the hardest rule to break, a certain 'fuck it' alarmed in his head and he did.

the day he met changbin, the first moment he set his eyes on the older boy, the first thing he noticed was his eyes, the pair of orbs that betrays the neutral expression he had on often because of just how many emotions he saw swimming in them, expressive, as if begging to be seen. the same pair of beautiful eyes that were staring back at him.

he still remembers how many times he put his index and middle finger together against the side of his neck to check if his pulse still works, if he still exists, if his heart hasn't dropped yet. changbin's gaze just makes his nerves go haywire as much as his mind does, and the erratic beats of the traitor of an organ he has inside his chest doesn't help at all.

it was only a matter of six months, nearly seven when he gave in. he gave in to the rush of feelings, all euphoric and addictive, if those two words are even possible to belong in the same sentence. blame his non-existent eloquency to form better rhymes.

what he didn't see coming was when the older reciprocated the same feelings he has towards him, always had, kept safe and treasured.

"hyung, i like you" his gaze downfixed, his tone shamelessly displaying his fears, how much just speaking those words out loud scares the shit out of his entire being. his fists clenched at his both sides as he awaits the elder's reply, probably rejection, disgust.

he risked everything he has to voice out what his heart has been aching to yell out for long. his friendship with the older, his team, his dreams, himself.

a soft touch against his chin, opting him to lift his gaze up and when he did, a gentle brush of strawberry coated lips were already on top of his own.

"god, i've been waiting for this for long." changbin spoke against the kiss, their foreheads touching. changbin stared at him like he gave him the stars, the moon, the entire galaxy.

felix doesn't need anymore words to know changbin likes him too, he just leapt and caught the latter's lips once again for a sweeter one, a confirmation kiss.

but nights like this when all of their schedules are over and done, cameras are nowhere, the public is away, and all the members are fast asleep, changbin sneakily brushes his palm on his, slowly entwining their fingers, slotting them like coming home, like it's exactly where they belong.

it's also when felix' mind goes down to the abyss of pessimism and fear and pain, to the unspoken truth.

changbin notices, he always does. he never did not notice every little thing felix does.

like when his lips twitch to a small frown, almost invisible, but for changbin's eyes who always sees through right the younger, they're on full display. his little flinches while he's in deep thinking, dark emotions swimming his beautiful orbs. like when his grip against changbin's hand tightens a bit more, torn between wanting to hold on or just.. let go.

changbin sees everything, and his heart feels all the constricting pain, making it hard for him to breath, but all he does is fake a smile, pull felix closer, hug him or kiss the pain away.

they never talk about it. they just share the pain.

felix knows changbin feels them too. it's impossible for him not to because as subtle as his real emotions are, if felix has his heart plastered on his both arms screaming out "i'm not okay, i'm in love and i'm not okay", changbin's eyes says it all.

they have no solution so they avoid it, like a sensitive topic, a prohibited conversation.

there were days when felix feels that he's coming off too obvious, that fans can see it all, that everyone can tell. so he tries and distances himself, just like today.

changbin approaches him from behind as they were sitting in their respective seats, fansign event going on. a hand clasps around his shoulder, the crowd hoots, felix stiffens. fans were screaming their names, and felix feels exposed.

he was supposed to just nudge changbin's hand off of him but due to panic, his instinct came harsher than intended. felix saw as changbin's eyes showed pain, dejected, sad. felix apologetically stared back but he didn't do anything, just mentally saying "i'm sorry, i love you" repeatedly.

it's too much. hiding and holding back. sometimes felix gets the urge to just run away and leave everything, maybe things would be better without him. maybe changbin would still be okay, at least he won't go through this torture of loving someone secretly any longer.

sometimes, he also feels courage, he wanna step forward and tell the members he loves his hyung, wants to show their fans how much he adores changbin and scream out for the entire world to hear that he's lucky the elder loves him back.

he does neither.

except continue the beautiful secret they have going on, to keep the sneaking glances of love and electrifying small touches under tables, at the backseat of their van, going on. and the quiet"i love you's" within themselves, only their hearts hears, only their hearts knows.

it's too painfully beautiful to give up.


End file.
